RULES FOR BANDS
1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.\
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important".
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal".
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13.Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
20. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
21. No one cares that you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
23. Don't hire a publicist.
24. Playing in San Marcos & Alpine doesn't mean you're on tour.
25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
26. Although they come in different styles and colours, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.("and/or lead singers!" -Timbo)
28. If you use a smoke machine your music sucks.
29. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
30. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons; "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".
36. 3 things that are never coming back: a)gongs, b)headbands, and c)playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
So, how many have YOU broken?
Great Lies of The Music Business
The booking is definite
Your check's in the mail
We can fix it in the mix
This is the best dope you've ever had
The show starts at 8
My agent will take care of it
I'm sure it will work
Your tickets are at the door
It sounds in tune to me
Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall
I know your mic is on
I checked it myself
The roadie took care of it
She'll be backstage after the show
Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo
The stage mix sounds just like the program mix
It's the hottest pickup I could get
The club will provide the PA and lights
I really love the band
We'll have it ready by tonight
We'll have lunch sometime
If it breaks, we'll fix it for free
We'll let you know
I had nothing to do with your marriage breaking up.
The place was packed
We'll have you back next week
Don't worry, you'll be the headliner
It's on the truck
My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album
Someone will be there early to let you in
I've only been playing for a year
I've been playing for 20 years
We'll have flyers printed tomorrow
I'm with the band
The band drinks free
You'll get your cut tonight
We'll supply someone for the door
You'll have no problem fitting that bass cabinet in the trunk of your car
There'll be lots of roadies when you get there
It's totally compatible with your current program
You'll have plenty of time for a soundcheck
This is one of Jimi's old Strats
We'll definitely come to the gig
You can depend on me
